I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
