there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
