Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
