My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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