why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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