Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
