i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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