You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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