I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
