genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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