someone threw a dead crab at me
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
