If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
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