how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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