i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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