My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
