Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
