I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
