When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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