i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
