i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
