Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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