R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
even my farts smell like vagina
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
