oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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