pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
