Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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