I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
