Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
