i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
