This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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