My sheets look like a crime scene.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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