just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
