i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
