We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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