we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
