Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
