someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
