i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
