I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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