Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Randomize
