I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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