The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
