It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
