As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
