Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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