Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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