is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
