you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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