What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
