please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
