Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
